You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I want to invent underpants for cattle – just so I can give a rodeo bull a wedgie?
You know what my ol’ lady told me last night? I swear the woman’s been out in the sun too long. She got sun stroke…or just went daft. She tells me she’s got to go shoppin’…to get some new pants to wear around the house.
Do I look like Bill Gates? Did we hit the lott’ry an’ she didn’t tell me?
Number one…house pants are never bought. They are demoted. Your house pants are your runnin’ to town pants…after they get too many holes in’em. Am I right? You don’t sit around the house in new pants! That’s a waste a’ new pants.
See – your regular, right-thinkin’ Americans got what I call a pants ‘system’. For you smart people out there…it’s like a hierarchy of pants. For example – you go to the Walmart an’ buy the nicest pair a pants you can find. I mean – you’re shellin’ out ten-fifteen bucks – an’ getting’ like the Cadillac a’ pants. Shiny an’ new…tight seams…pockets with bottoms in’em…zipper works…. You can go anywhere in them pants. You could go to the White House in them pants. Those are some nice pants.
Then you start gettin’ a weak spot in the crotch…little holes at the corners a’ the back pockets…maybe a belt loop or two breaks. They get demoted to runnin’ errands pants. You can wear’em to like the convenience store to get beer an’ smokes…or to run through the McDonalds. You can cut grass in’em. But you can’t get married in’em no more an’ your ol’ lady won’t let you wear’em to church.
Then that hole in your crotch opens up…every time you spread your legs, you feel the breeze. Set down – your whole knee is stickin’ out…an’ the zipper only goes halfways up. Every time you put your keys in your pocket – you lose’em in the driveway. They get demoted…to house pants. Which basically you can wear until you bend over an’ split’em wide open like a hog carcass at an Oscar Myer plant. Even your family don’t want to see that.
Wake up, America. Then when them pants are done – you don’t get new house pants. You get new NICE pants…an’ all your pants shift down one. It’s a system, people. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.